March 2, 2019
But it wasn’t enough for Wisdom Tree, no. They had to put out their games on the Sega Genesis console as well. Tell you the truth, these are all games I’ve reviewed already on NES. Sometimes the Genesis versions are different, like they were with Action 52, but this is not the case here. All these games are nearly identical to their 8-bit counterparts. Spiritual Warfare is pretty much the same. You know, that Legend of Zelda clone where drug dealers are shooting lasers at you from alleyways? Since the whole game functions just like Zelda, with item inventory and everything like that, wouldn’t it have been nice to use the same save feature? Instead, there’s this annoying password system. If you’re gonna copy anything from Zelda, have a save feature! And that was on NES. So you’d think with a more advanced console, they’d be able to do that again.
Then there’s Exodus and Joshua, which were both the same two games anyway, which were both adapted from a game called Crystal Mines. Not much to reiterate here; just going around blasting giant cheese puffs. Then, there’s Bible Adventures, which, again, is the same as the NES version, just with slightly different graphics. Gotta love that classic Baby Moses game. The best part’s drowning your own baby, and then killing yourself. Isn’t that nice. Then of course, there’s David and Goliath, which might as well be called David and thesheep, because that’s all you do, is carry sheep from one place to the next. Man. Who the hell is able to pick up three sheep and climb a tree? And this may seem like a minor complaint, but when you pause the game, the music keeps going. I hate games that do that. What if you get a phone call or something? You want it to go quiet. This game is extremely frustrating in its bad control. There’s a part where you have to climb up a mountain, but no matter how hard you try, you keep slipping off the platforms! UHN! UNNNH! HUHHN! Oh All right, here we go, here we go–UNH! You’d think these are doors, right?
Well, guess what? You can’t go in. They’re just for decoration. So, maybe they’re miniature monoliths from 2001. When you do manage to get to the top, there’s nowhere left to go. You have to take a shitty guess and jump at thin air. See, there’s another platform you’re supposed to reach, but you never know otherwise. It’s literally a leap of faith. The other game on the cartridge is Noah’s Ark. This is the one where you painstakingly have to pick up every animal on the screen and carry them to the ark. I’ve mentioned before how Noah is some super-strong freak of nature, but he does have his limits. He can jump while carrying almost any animal, but an ox, nope, that’s too much. Every animal has their own specific rules, and it makes no sense.