Category: General

Games for Sega Genesis

But it wasn’t enough for Wisdom Tree, no. They had to put out their games on the Sega Genesis console as well. Tell you the truth, these are all games I’ve reviewed already on NES. Sometimes the Genesis versions are different, like they were with Action 52, but this is not the case here. All these games are nearly identical to their 8-bit counterparts. Spiritual Warfare is pretty much the same. You know, that Legend of Zelda clone where drug dealers are shooting lasers at you from alleyways? Since the whole game functions just like Zelda, with item inventory and everything like that, wouldn’t it have been nice to use the same save feature? Instead, there’s this annoying password system. If you’re gonna copy anything from Zelda, have a save feature! And that was on NES. So you’d think with a more advanced console, they’d be able to do that again.

Then there’s Exodus and Joshua, which were both the same two games anyway, which were both adapted from a game called Crystal Mines. Not much to reiterate here; just going around blasting giant cheese puffs. Then, there’s Bible Adventures, which, again, is the same as the NES version, just with slightly different graphics. Gotta love that classic Baby Moses game. The best part’s drowning your own baby, and then killing yourself. Isn’t that nice. Then of course, there’s David and Goliath, which might as well be called David and thesheep, because that’s all you do, is carry sheep from one place to the next. Man. Who the hell is able to pick up three sheep and climb a tree? And this may seem like a minor complaint, but when you pause the game, the music keeps going. I hate games that do that. What if you get a phone call or something? You want it to go quiet. This game is extremely frustrating in its bad control. There’s a part where you have to climb up a mountain, but no matter how hard you try, you keep slipping off the platforms! UHN! UNNNH! HUHHN! Oh All right, here we go, here we go–UNH!  You’d think these are doors, right?

Well, guess what? You can’t go in. They’re just for decoration. So, maybe they’re miniature monoliths from 2001. When you do manage to get to the top, there’s nowhere left to go. You have to take a shitty guess and jump at thin air. See, there’s another platform you’re supposed to reach, but you never know otherwise. It’s literally a leap of faith. The other game on the cartridge is Noah’s Ark. This is the one where you painstakingly have to pick up every animal on the screen and carry them to the ark. I’ve mentioned before how Noah is some super-strong freak of nature, but he does have his limits. He can jump while carrying almost any animal, but an ox, nope, that’s too much. Every animal has their own specific rules, and it makes no sense.

When Game Is Too Bad

Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don’t get the title: Flight to Egypt? You’re not flying, you’re riding on a donkey, or an ass if you prefer. What airline is this? Ass Express? And yes, I know the word “flight” doesn’t necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it’s a freaking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can’t harm anything, unless it’s right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass’s ass, not your ass that’s sitting upon the ass. I guess you’re supposed to be on a mountain, because you’re always moving upward. You think you’re moving right horizontally, but really you’re on an upward slant, spiraling around, so if you fall down, you’re actually backtracking to where you just were. Isn’t that weird? And what’s with all the ice stages? You’re supposed to be going to Egypt.

Did you get sidetracked on the freaking North Pole? When you collect health, it only counts if you’re able to answer a Bible question. “I beheld blank as lightning fall from heaven.” Hmm… anyone who’s seen Street Fighter: The Movie should know that one. And here’s a tip: any time it’s a true or false question, if it has anything to do with killing, then it’s always true. There’s not much else to say about this shitheap. I might as well just leave it at, “It’s bad.” But the truth is, it’s even worse. At least we can check out the ending. “They arrive safely in Egypt, and an angel visits Joseph.” And… that’s it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph stick in his stomach?

Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened?! I assumed that I pressed a button by mistake and actually canceled out the rest of the ending, but no, I’ve actually beaten the game multiple times, just to try and solve this mystery, and the same thing happens: it just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I’m aware that the last screen is supposed to be plain text that says, “Give your heart to Jesus,” but I’m not seeing it, so I’m assuming I’m supposed to beat all three games to see the true ending, and I’m not going through all that trouble. Although, I will give my heart to Jesus. Ooh! Gah! Ah, Jesus!

Religion In Video Games

The most annoying is the snakes. Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn’t do that; no, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That’s right, in order of manliness: Indiana Jones, then Peewee, and then  Noah. Keep in mind, Noah also has to be able to identify the male and female animals. So, how does he have such a keen instinct for this? I mean, I’m no bird expert, but does the toucan exhibit any clear signs of its gender? If it’s a female, does Noah look at it and think to himself, “Look at the cans on that toucan.” The graphics are dull. If you want a decent game, find it here: There’s so much brown. The ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why’s everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah, those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming outta God’s ass. It’s holy shit. Things get all  by level three. You gotta start collecting seven of each animal. Seven? What, are you kidding me? The monkeys. I hate them.

They’re so hard to catch. I’m gonna get you, you stupid monkey. Yeah, whatever it takes, face. You’re slime. You’re filth. I’m gonna rip you apart. Oh, and you’re actually not supposed to save the monkeys. You’re supposed to get the fruit that they’re throwing. Really? How was I supposed to guess that? So, the monkeys are supposed to drown in the flood after all. One of the worst things about this game is that Noah needs to visually inspect every animal you catch. It’s not enough that the inventory is on the screen, clear as day. But no, you gotta watch every single animal run into the ark, one after another. Imagine if in Super Mario Brothers after you beat the level, you have to watch every  coin bounce across the screen. I can’t believe I actually decided to play through this whole game. I was curious about the ending, and it’s not worth bragging about. It’s just a suitcase floating in the sewers. Oh, wait, that’s supposed to be the ark with the flood. It rests on the mountaintop, and that’s it.

Well, that’s Bible Adventures. That takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don’t want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so, there’s one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has three games in it: Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 ripoff where you’re hopping across logs. Then there’s The Wise Men, where you’re traveling to baby Jesus. That means it’s the only Christmas game. Isn’t that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond. But the one game I slacked on was Flight to Egypt.