Religion In Video Games
March 2, 2019
The most annoying is the snakes. Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn’t do that; no, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That’s right, in order of manliness: Indiana Jones, then Peewee, and then Noah. Keep in mind, Noah also has to be able to identify the male and female animals. So, how does he have such a keen instinct for this? I mean, I’m no bird expert, but does the toucan exhibit any clear signs of its gender? If it’s a female, does Noah look at it and think to himself, “Look at the cans on that toucan.” The graphics are dull. If you want a decent game, find it here: https://casinoslots-ie.com/playfrank There’s so much brown. The ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why’s everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah, those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming outta God’s ass. It’s holy shit. Things get all by level three. You gotta start collecting seven of each animal. Seven? What, are you kidding me? The monkeys. I hate them.
They’re so hard to catch. I’m gonna get you, you stupid monkey. Yeah, whatever it takes, face. You’re slime. You’re filth. I’m gonna rip you apart. Oh, and you’re actually not supposed to save the monkeys. You’re supposed to get the fruit that they’re throwing. Really? How was I supposed to guess that? So, the monkeys are supposed to drown in the flood after all. One of the worst things about this game is that Noah needs to visually inspect every animal you catch. It’s not enough that the inventory is on the screen, clear as day. But no, you gotta watch every single animal run into the ark, one after another. Imagine if in Super Mario Brothers after you beat the level, you have to watch every coin bounce across the screen. I can’t believe I actually decided to play through this whole game. I was curious about the ending, and it’s not worth bragging about. It’s just a suitcase floating in the sewers. Oh, wait, that’s supposed to be the ark with the flood. It rests on the mountaintop, and that’s it.
Well, that’s Bible Adventures. That takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don’t want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so, there’s one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has three games in it: Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 ripoff where you’re hopping across logs. Then there’s The Wise Men, where you’re traveling to baby Jesus. That means it’s the only Christmas game. Isn’t that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond. But the one game I slacked on was Flight to Egypt.