When Game Is Too Bad
March 2, 2019
Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don’t get the title: Flight to Egypt? You’re not flying, you’re riding on a donkey, or an ass if you prefer. What airline is this? Ass Express? And yes, I know the word “flight” doesn’t necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it’s a freaking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can’t harm anything, unless it’s right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass’s ass, not your ass that’s sitting upon the ass. I guess you’re supposed to be on a mountain, because you’re always moving upward. You think you’re moving right horizontally, but really you’re on an upward slant, spiraling around, so if you fall down, you’re actually backtracking to where you just were. Isn’t that weird? And what’s with all the ice stages? You’re supposed to be going to Egypt.
Did you get sidetracked on the freaking North Pole? When you collect health, it only counts if you’re able to answer a Bible question. “I beheld blank as lightning fall from heaven.” Hmm… anyone who’s seen Street Fighter: The Movie should know that one. And here’s a tip: any time it’s a true or false question, if it has anything to do with killing, then it’s always true. There’s not much else to say about this shitheap. I might as well just leave it at, “It’s bad.” But the truth is, it’s even worse. At least we can check out the ending. “They arrive safely in Egypt, and an angel visits Joseph.” And… that’s it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph stick in his stomach?
Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened?! I assumed that I pressed a button by mistake and actually canceled out the rest of the ending, but no, I’ve actually beaten the game multiple times, just to try and solve this mystery, and the same thing happens: it just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I’m aware that the last screen is supposed to be plain text that says, “Give your heart to Jesus,” but I’m not seeing it, so I’m assuming I’m supposed to beat all three games to see the true ending, and I’m not going through all that trouble. Although, I will give my heart to Jesus. Ooh! Gah! Ah, Jesus!